I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
