My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
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Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
They left me at home... I'm a liability
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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