last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
