Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
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It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?