My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
