Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla