What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.