this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
