I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
