He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
