Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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