Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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