so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
