You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
