So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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