I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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