I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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