I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
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What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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