my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
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Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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