I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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