Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize