He passed out mid-signature
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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