My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
