Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
