If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
