I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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