We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
