Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
