i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
