It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think weed is turning my hair brown
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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