You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
