my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
