im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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