Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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