What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
