oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
