you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
