I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
