he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
