I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
