Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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