If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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