seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
