did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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