dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
