FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
