2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
