I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
