I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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