yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Someone shattered a urinal.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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