ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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