So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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