In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
