I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
