She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
