i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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