I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
